Regret is part of the human condition, however with appropriate action, discipline and fortitude, we can reduce the effects of its sting.
“Nembe ngamanya yadadua nanyuma” “The statement ‘I wish I knew’ always comes at the tail end of an occurrence” Taita proverb
For us to live an inspired harmonious life, we need to take action now to avoid the pain of regret later in life. We should take action in important areas of our lives such as our health, family, friends, love of God and others, and enhancing the things we are passionate about like our talents or hobbies, things we value.
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. So said Sidney J. Harris
I have experienced this pain of regret in a couple of areas in my life. I grew up listening to music and was amazed at how the musicians played the music pieces I listened to. I wondered from an early age if I would ever be able to play the guitar. I had two clear opportunities to learn playing the guitar that I failed to explore as a teenager. One day, I was going to visit my grandmother, who lived about half an hour up the hill from our home. On my way there, I passed by the local shopping centre to meet some friends and gather the latest news in the village.
After a while, I was ready to continue with my journey. A few metres ahead of me was a gentleman heading in the same direction. He was one of the most talented guitarists in our village. He played the guitar so melodiously to the delight of many. He played in church on Sundays and during special events organized occasionally to sensitize people on various matters. I hastened my steps, even jogged a bit to catch up with him so that we could walk together. I recall we had a conversation about life generally and more so about faith. I recall thinking to myself “here I am walking and talking with this skilled guitarist, I should ask him about how I could learn to play like him”. However, for some reason, I held back from asking the important question: how can I learn to play the guitar like you? Instead, I let the conversation continue on other subjects, important as they were, but led to a different outcome. As way leads to way, we got to my grandmother’s place. We parted ways and the gentleman went on his way to his home which was some metres further on. And that was my chance at learning guitar from this talented player that went begging.
The second opportunity I had was of another guitarist who literally stayed next door to me for a while. You see, he was hired by my uncle to do some work and he lived there for a year or more. He played the guitar so well. He even told us that he used to play with one of the famous bands in East Africa in the 80s by the name Les Wanyika. We couldn’t verify this assertion but what was clear was that the guy was a talented guitarist. He played in our local church every Sunday much to the amazement of the congregation. So here he was, living next door, I admired his craft. Yet, I did not ask to learn from him. And just like that, after a while, he was gone and so did the opportunity to learn guitar playing from him.
Many years later, I have the opportunity to learn. What with the internet with so many guitar teachers. I have learnt how to play a bit – as evidenced by the introductory tune to this episode – and I continue to practice to get better. This is one of those things in my list that I wouldn’t want to regret in the future, that I did not take time to learn to play the guitar. So not all hope is lost at least in this example. And that is the hope we have, as long as you are alive, there are things you can still do to minimize the sting of regret.
Bronnie Ware wrote a memoir entitled “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing”. Bronnie who was a nurse had been providing palliative care for twelve years and she was compelled to share the wisdom and experiences of her patients. She listed 5 of the most common regrets that her patients spoke to her about. The list is a follows, with the first regret being the most common:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish I had let myself be happier.
It is quite a thought provoking list, though some pundits like Hilda Bastian in her article “ Why Do Scientists “cite “ the Top 5 Secrets of the Dying” indicate that this list is not scientific. However, I think the list generally points us in the direction to consider some of the important things that would concern us in the future or when we are about to depart this earth.
The story in the Bible of the two brothers Esau and Jacob is quite sad in some respects and is laced with regret on the part of Esau. When he was young Esau sold his birthright as the firstborn to Jacob and later on his blessings were taken by Jacob. The story goes:
“As the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter. He was an outdoorsman, but Jacob had a quiet temperament, preferring to stay at home. Isaac loved Esau because he enjoyed eating the wild game Esau brought home, but Rebekah loved Jacob.
One day when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau arrived home from the wilderness exhausted and hungry. Esau said to Jacob, “I’m starved! Give me some of that red stew!” (This is how Esau got his other name, Edom, which means “red.”)
“All right,” Jacob replied, “but trade me your rights as the firstborn son.”
“Look, I’m dying of starvation!” said Esau. “What good is my birthright to me now?”
But Jacob said, “First you must swear that your birthright is mine.” So Esau swore an oath, thereby selling all his rights as the firstborn to his brother, Jacob.
Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and lentil stew. Esau ate the meal, then got up and left. He showed contempt for his rights as the firstborn.” Genesis 25:27-34
Later on when Isaac, Esau and Jacob’s father, was old, he wanted to bless Esau being the first born son. He asked him to go into the wild, hunt game and prepare a delicious meal, then he would bless him. Rebekah, Esau’s mother overheard what Isaac said and once Esau had left to go hunting, she informed Jacob of the plan. She then advised him to bring two fine goats, she would prepare a meal just the way her husband Isaac likes it, Jacob would then go pretend to be Esau and get the blessings. Since Jacob had smooth skin while Esau was hairy, she covered Jacob’s arms and neck with the skin of the young goats and had Jacob wear Esau’s clothes. So when the food was ready, Jacob took it to his father Isaac:
“My father?” he said.
“Yes, my son,” Isaac answered. “Who are you—Esau or Jacob?”
Jacob replied, “It’s Esau, your firstborn son. I’ve done as you told me. Here is the wild game. Now sit up and eat it so you can give me your blessing.”
Isaac asked, “How did you find it so quickly, my son?”
“The Lord your God put it in my path!” Jacob replied.
Then Isaac said to Jacob, “Come closer so I can touch you and make sure that you really are Esau.” So Jacob went closer to his father, and Isaac touched him. “The voice is Jacob’s, but the hands are Esau’s,” Isaac said. But he did not recognize Jacob, because Jacob’s hands felt hairy just like Esau’s. So Isaac prepared to bless Jacob. “But are you really my son Esau?” he asked.
“Yes, I am,” Jacob replied.
So Jacob went over and kissed him. And when Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he was finally convinced, and he blessed his son. He said, “Ah! The smell of my son is like the smell of the outdoors, which the Lord has blessed!
“From the dew of heaven and the richness of the earth,
may God always give you abundant harvests of grain and bountiful new wine.
May many nations become your servants, and may they bow down to you.
May you be the master over your brothers, and may your mother’s sons bow down to you.
All who curse you will be cursed, and all who bless you will be blessed.”
As soon as Isaac had finished blessing Jacob, and almost before Jacob had left his father, Esau returned from his hunt
Esau prepared a delicious meal and brought it to his father. Then he said, “Sit up, my father, and eat my wild game so you can give me your blessing.”
But Isaac asked him, “Who are you?”
Esau replied, “It’s your son, your firstborn son, Esau.”
Isaac began to tremble uncontrollably and said, “Then who just served me wild game? I have already eaten it, and I blessed him just before you came. And yes, that blessing must stand!”
When Esau heard his father’s words, he let out a loud and bitter cry. “Oh my father, what about me? Bless me, too!” he begged.
But Isaac said, “Your brother was here, and he tricked me. He has taken away your blessing.”
Esau exclaimed, “No wonder his name is Jacob, for now he has cheated me twice.[a] First he took my rights as the firstborn, and now he has stolen my blessing. Oh, haven’t you saved even one blessing for me?”
Isaac said to Esau, “I have made Jacob your master and have declared that all his brothers will be his servants. I have guaranteed him an abundance of grain and wine—what is left for me to give you, my son?”
Esau pleaded, “But do you have only one blessing? Oh my father, bless me, too!” Then Esau broke down and wept.” Genesis 27:18-38
So what are some regrets you have right now? Are these things that you can do something about to reduce the sting of regret in the future?
For us to live an inspired harmonious life, we should assess the most important things in our lives, make effort to do those things and reduce the sting of regret later on in life as much as possible. Yes regret is a part of the human condition, we may not remove it completely, however, we can do our best to minimize it’s sting by taking action on the things that are important to us. As Jim Rohn said “We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.” Which of these two pains are you willing to suffer more in life?
