Self-respect and the ability to see our worth, is the aspect that enables us to cultivate harmony within ourselves. Having self-respect sets us up to have cordial and harmonious interactions with others. Without self-respect, chances are, we adopt a chaotic lifestyle.
“Character — the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life — is the source from which self-respect springs.” Joan Didion
It occurred to me the other day that the reason I sometimes struggle to do the things I plan to do could be because I do not respect myself sufficiently. I am too familiar with myself and thus I can cut myself too much slack, as they say, familiarity breeds contempt. Come to think of it, why is it that most times we are quick to meet a deadline set by someone else but without serious discipline, we can easily forgo some deadlines we set for ourselves. This usually puts me in a rut of sorts, and the result is procrastination. I easily say “I will do this tomorrow…” and tomorrow could turn to many days later. Yet on the other hand, we take seriously deadlines set by others such as clients, bosses, leasing companies, our bills, public and private services that we seek etc
In other circumstances, we meet deadlines when we give our word or commitment to a friend, someone we respect, a co-worker or an acquaintance. We strive to put our best foot forward to keep our word since our reputation is on the line. Failing to meet these deadlines can be detrimental to our reputation. It can go to show whether we are reliable or not.
I think when I respect myself, then I will make every effort to meet the commitments and deadlines I give myself. In my view, this leads to harmony within and harmony with those around me since I will keep to the commitments I make.
I think the way you carry yourself illuminates your way and ensures others respect you too for who you are and what you stand for. Ideally, the worth you place on yourself, has lots of bearing on how others perceive you and treat you. It is akin to this story told of the blind man with a lamp. There lived a blind man in a small town. This man, even though he could not see, he carried a lamp with him whenever he went out at night.
One night, when he was going back home after dinner, he met a group of young travellers. They could see he was blind, but were puzzled by the fact that he was carrying a lamp. They started questioning him and making fun of him. One of them asked him “hey man, how come you are carrying a lamp yet you are blind and do not need it?!”
The man answered “Yes I am blind and I don’t see anything, this lamp is for people like you who can see. You may not see me coming and may end up hitting me and pushing me off the path. That is the reason I carry the lamp.” The group of young travellers was ashamed of their behaviour and apologized to the man.
It is crucial to have self-respect, which I suppose is tied to self-worth. Yet, self-respect and self-worth can be amplified or diminished by our environment, the people we choose to be with and the places we choose to be at. When you are in a place where your self-respect and your worth is valued and shines, then it enhances harmony within yourself and harmony with those around you. If you are in an environment where your self-respect or worth is not valued, then it may affect harmony within you and by extension, harmony with those around you. So it is important to have self-respect and self-worth, and the environment we are in plays a role in it. If you can, choose an environment that values your worth. If for some reason you cannot remove yourself from that environment, then you have to do the hard work of reassuring yourself of your worth and not lose sight of how you respect yourself. So in a way, self-respect is protective to us. It ensures that we are not shaken by the views of those who do not perceive our worth or value. Consider what Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said “He that respects himself is safe from others. He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.” It reminds me of the story of the dying father who gifted his son an old pocket watch.
A dying father called his son to his bedside and presented him with an old pocket watch. The father said, “Your grandfather gave this watch to me. It is more than 200 years old. But, before I give it to you, I want you to go to the watch shop and tell the owner you want to sell it. Ask him what price he would pay for it.”
The son went to the watch shop and then returned to his father’s bedside. He reported, “The watchmaker said he would pay $5 for the watch because it is old and scratched.”
The father then said to the son, “Go to the coffee shop and ask the owner if he would be interested in buying the pocket watch and what he would be willing to pay.”
The son ran to the coffee shop and quickly returned. He told his father, “The coffee shop owner said he didn’t have much use for an old pocket watch but offered $3 for it.”
Finally, the father told the son, “Go to the museum and show them the watch.”
The son left for the museum and returned with a look of astonishment on his face. He whispered, “Father, the curator at the museum offered me $1 million for this pocket watch!”
The father laid his head back, closed his eyes and said: “I wanted you to experience for yourself that the right place, and the right people, will value your value in the right way. Never put yourself in the wrong place, with the wrong people, and then get angry when you don’t feel valued. Don’t stay in a place, or with people, that don’t value your value. Know your worth and while being confident in your own value look for the value and the potential worth of others.”
Isn’t this such good advice from this father to his son? That we ought to know our own worth and then from that vantage point, look to see other people’s worth. This, in some way, reminds me of the Scripture where Jesus declares the two most important commandments. He said “the second (of the two most important commandments) is equally important:”Love your neighbour as yourself.” No other commandment is greater than these.” Mark 12:29-31 The first most important commandment being to love the LORD God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. The aspect of loving our neighbour, according to this verse, is dependent on our having the capacity to love ourselves too. Essentially, if you do not love yourself, you have no capacity to love another person. I suppose loving oneself has some element of self-respect in it. If then, you do not respect yourself, you may not have the capacity to respect others. Hear how Fyodor Dostoevsky put it “Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”
The other aspect to this, which is a paradox in some ways, is that, the one who lacks self-respect, will demand respect from others, for it is what they lack within. Like Nassim Nicholas Taleb said “If you have earned your self-respect, respect by others is a luxury; if you haven’t, respect by others is a necessity.’ So I think since it is a necessity, you tend to pursue it, no, you even demand it from others, since it seldom exists within you.
I think we build self-respect and self worth by what we do every day. When you take action on your goals, it reinforces your self-respect and worth. Every action you take towards achieving your goals increases your self-respect, adding a sense of accomplishment. One victory leads on to another and so on and so forth.
So think about it, how much do you respect yourself? What is your worth?
There is no harmony without self-respect. No harmony without seeing the value you bring to society, your family, your friends and the people around you. When one does not see their worth and lacks self-respect in an increasing measure, they can easily descend into a chaotic lifestyle. For us to live an inspired harmonious life, we should have self-respect, we should know our worth and the value we bring. As Robert Holden said “Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”
